40 Thoughts I Had While Driving 30 Miles In 150 Minutes
1. If 30 miles is how much I hate this commute, then 150 minutes is how glad I am that I don't do this commute regularly anymore.
2. If 30 miles is how glad I am that I don't do this commute regularly anymore, then 150 minutes is how much I love visiting Bolling Air Force Base and hearing the Air Force Band play stuff I wrote for them.
3. None of which alters the fact that I gotta pee.
4. Like, bad.
5. But yes, I really DO love hearing the Air Force Band play stuff I wrote for them.
6. By the way, you should plan to visit the Udvar-Hazy Center in Chantilly VA (the "companion facility" of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington DC) this coming Tuesday at noon.
7. No, really, you should! Just sayin'.
8. Sequels might be like, y'know, "Jaws II" - but then again, they might be like "The Godfather II," in which Al Pacino plays a killer English horn and Robert DeNiro beats the holy snot out of a bass drum.
9. We, as a society, spend far too much time shooting each other and defending our right to shoot each other, and far too little time trying to understand each other.
10. Anyway.
11. Regarding the old saying about how one is never given more than one can handle, I can only consider a grandchild, our beloved principal dog, and the house I grew up in – ALL IN ONE DAY! – and utter a crude reference to bovine fecal matter.
12. I know, that was one of those really cryptic Facebook things. Sorry, can't elaborate, but feel free to waft your good juju in my direction.
13. Maybe I could come up with a better phrase than "waft your good juju."
14. Preferably before you do so.
15. Because you might not have the same concept of "wafting" and "good juju" as I do.
16. No, I am not writing these thoughts down while driving.
17. But I could be, because I'm not really driving much. I'm SITTING #%$&%*^ STILL!
18. I really gotta pee.
19. Like a racehorse.
20. Which is EXACTLY THE WAY TRAFFIC IS NOT MOVING AT THE MOMENT!!!
21. True story: Once, driving home while a killer migraine raged in my head, I pulled onto the shoulder, and I puked on I-95. Seriously, dude: I yakked. I spewed. I blew chunks. I went totally "Team America" on America's busiest interstate at the height of rush hour. Good god, it was satisfying.
22. Right now I'm tempted to pull onto the shoulder and pee on I-95. That would be quite satisfying as well.
23. An interstate-shoulder trifecta comes to mind. That might be satisfying too, but it would also be kinda gross.
24. Okay, REALLY gross.
25. Did I mention I have to pee?
26. James Taylor's "Damn This Traffic Jam" is an awesome song.
27. Having little else to do in a traffic jam besides surf my Sirius radio, I am confident in saying that a little sports talk goes a long way. And Paul Finebaum is the littlest, long-way-goingest sports talker in all of radio sports-talkery. He is a smug, pompous SEC shill whose radio show is devoted to (1) goading his trailer-parkiest listeners into flingin' poo and spittin' terbacky juice at each other over whether Alabama's or Auburn's football following has the greater number of toothless, bestially inclined inbreeds; (2) endlessly and pointlessly stacking and re-stacking the dozen shittiest, cheatin'est, butt-ugliest-cheerleader SEC assclowns who ain't 'Bama or Auburn; (3) bashing the ACC as limp-dick SEC wannabes, especially Free Seafood U and Climpson; (4) trumping Tim Brando in shameless SEC whoring; and (5) pretty much just being an asshole.
28. Sometimes I quote myself.
29. Y'know what? Since 5th grade, my Home Away From Home has always been a bandroom: Raa Middle School, Godby High School, Florida State University, the Marching Chiefs, Oak Ridge High School, Pickerington High School, Liberty Union Local Schools, the US Air Force Band, and most recently the Prince William Community Band. Not to get all goopy and stuff, but I hope you all know how much you mean to me.
30. This collection of musings would go well with a picture of a long string of brake lights. I would have taken such a picture, but I was steering with one hand while the other was desperately clamping down on … um …
31. Seriously, these thoughts are several hours old. I don't really have to pee anymore.
32. Aaaaanyway.
33. Speaking of a little going a long way, I might like "Dancing With the Stars" if Tom Bergeron weren't involved.
34. Regarding a certain person I know, I am often given to ponder the image of a 19-floor elevator in a 20-story building.
35. You probably know this person too, although for you it's probably someone different.
36. And really, it's more like a 1.5-floor elevator in a 2-floor building, but you get the point: This person ain't the sharpest light bulb in the candy dish.
37. "Sometimes I quote myself," Bob said.
38. If 30 miles is how glad I will be to Thanksgiving weekend with Diane and Russell & Ava, then 150 minutes is how much I miss Auroralei while she visits her other grandparents in Nebraska.
39. If 30 miles is how much I love our Principal Dog Lucky, then 150 minutes is how much I will miss her.
40. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat, drink and be merry, and shower your family (including your pets) with love.
2. If 30 miles is how glad I am that I don't do this commute regularly anymore, then 150 minutes is how much I love visiting Bolling Air Force Base and hearing the Air Force Band play stuff I wrote for them.
3. None of which alters the fact that I gotta pee.
4. Like, bad.
5. But yes, I really DO love hearing the Air Force Band play stuff I wrote for them.
6. By the way, you should plan to visit the Udvar-Hazy Center in Chantilly VA (the "companion facility" of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington DC) this coming Tuesday at noon.
7. No, really, you should! Just sayin'.
8. Sequels might be like, y'know, "Jaws II" - but then again, they might be like "The Godfather II," in which Al Pacino plays a killer English horn and Robert DeNiro beats the holy snot out of a bass drum.
9. We, as a society, spend far too much time shooting each other and defending our right to shoot each other, and far too little time trying to understand each other.
10. Anyway.
11. Regarding the old saying about how one is never given more than one can handle, I can only consider a grandchild, our beloved principal dog, and the house I grew up in – ALL IN ONE DAY! – and utter a crude reference to bovine fecal matter.
12. I know, that was one of those really cryptic Facebook things. Sorry, can't elaborate, but feel free to waft your good juju in my direction.
13. Maybe I could come up with a better phrase than "waft your good juju."
14. Preferably before you do so.
15. Because you might not have the same concept of "wafting" and "good juju" as I do.
16. No, I am not writing these thoughts down while driving.
17. But I could be, because I'm not really driving much. I'm SITTING #%$&%*^ STILL!
18. I really gotta pee.
19. Like a racehorse.
20. Which is EXACTLY THE WAY TRAFFIC IS NOT MOVING AT THE MOMENT!!!
21. True story: Once, driving home while a killer migraine raged in my head, I pulled onto the shoulder, and I puked on I-95. Seriously, dude: I yakked. I spewed. I blew chunks. I went totally "Team America" on America's busiest interstate at the height of rush hour. Good god, it was satisfying.
22. Right now I'm tempted to pull onto the shoulder and pee on I-95. That would be quite satisfying as well.
23. An interstate-shoulder trifecta comes to mind. That might be satisfying too, but it would also be kinda gross.
24. Okay, REALLY gross.
25. Did I mention I have to pee?
26. James Taylor's "Damn This Traffic Jam" is an awesome song.
27. Having little else to do in a traffic jam besides surf my Sirius radio, I am confident in saying that a little sports talk goes a long way. And Paul Finebaum is the littlest, long-way-goingest sports talker in all of radio sports-talkery. He is a smug, pompous SEC shill whose radio show is devoted to (1) goading his trailer-parkiest listeners into flingin' poo and spittin' terbacky juice at each other over whether Alabama's or Auburn's football following has the greater number of toothless, bestially inclined inbreeds; (2) endlessly and pointlessly stacking and re-stacking the dozen shittiest, cheatin'est, butt-ugliest-cheerleader SEC assclowns who ain't 'Bama or Auburn; (3) bashing the ACC as limp-dick SEC wannabes, especially Free Seafood U and Climpson; (4) trumping Tim Brando in shameless SEC whoring; and (5) pretty much just being an asshole.
28. Sometimes I quote myself.
29. Y'know what? Since 5th grade, my Home Away From Home has always been a bandroom: Raa Middle School, Godby High School, Florida State University, the Marching Chiefs, Oak Ridge High School, Pickerington High School, Liberty Union Local Schools, the US Air Force Band, and most recently the Prince William Community Band. Not to get all goopy and stuff, but I hope you all know how much you mean to me.
30. This collection of musings would go well with a picture of a long string of brake lights. I would have taken such a picture, but I was steering with one hand while the other was desperately clamping down on … um …
31. Seriously, these thoughts are several hours old. I don't really have to pee anymore.
32. Aaaaanyway.
33. Speaking of a little going a long way, I might like "Dancing With the Stars" if Tom Bergeron weren't involved.
34. Regarding a certain person I know, I am often given to ponder the image of a 19-floor elevator in a 20-story building.
35. You probably know this person too, although for you it's probably someone different.
36. And really, it's more like a 1.5-floor elevator in a 2-floor building, but you get the point: This person ain't the sharpest light bulb in the candy dish.
37. "Sometimes I quote myself," Bob said.
38. If 30 miles is how glad I will be to Thanksgiving weekend with Diane and Russell & Ava, then 150 minutes is how much I miss Auroralei while she visits her other grandparents in Nebraska.
39. If 30 miles is how much I love our Principal Dog Lucky, then 150 minutes is how much I will miss her.
40. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat, drink and be merry, and shower your family (including your pets) with love.
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