Chewie, We're Getting the Band Back Together!
My Review of Star Wars 7: The Search for Luke
(mild spoilers)
* Reboots! Reprises! Do-overs! Homage a trois!
* Drunk Nekkid Vegas Weekend Spawn of George Clooney and Erik Estrada!
* DNVWS of forgotten Backstreet Boy and Severus Snape!
* DNVWS of Yoda and Sy Snootles!
(^ Okay, I dunno about that one. Somewhere. Probably.)
* Andy Serkis in mega-budget deleted scenes from "The Wizard of Oz"!
* Winner of the "We Need a Young R2D2" casting call!
* Sly reference to trash compactors!
* More chuckly inside jokes!
* Renewed non-ironic misuse of "parsecs" to stoke astronomy grammar nerd outrage!
* More Joe Schmo-looking X-wing fighter pilots for the Resistance!
The main knock against "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" seems to be that it's essentially a reboot, mashing up all the familiar story elements, especially from Episode 4. But grumbling that Episode 7 is derivative is like being disappointed that every year has the same stupid 12 months as the last one. It's a sequel, for cryin' out loud. What, you were looking for "The Godfather Part II"?
I do confess my own lingering, judgy disappointment—still, after 38 years—that the title of Episode 4 is so dull: "A New Hope." Dull, dull, dull. George Lucas could have called it something like, I dunno, "The Force Awakens." Maybe that title was taken.
And actually "The Sith-Father Part II" might have been kinda cool and artsy, showing the rises of Anakin Skywalker and Kylo Ren in parallel. Preferably without a boy-band fifth banana playing Anakin and a Hogwarts dropout playing Ren.
Well, okay—Kylo Ren the character does show the promise of an arc far better drawn than that of Darthakin Skyvader, and Adam Driver the actor is already at least 12 parsecs ahead of Hayden Timberlake.
("12 parsecs." See what I did there?)
Anyway, Ep 7 pays reeeally generous homage (putting it mildly) to Ep 4, with occasional homage to 5 and 6, and appropriate snubbage of 1-3, which mostly kinda sucked. In fact, 7 seems so thorough in all its winks and nudges, what's left?
Maybe they were just getting all that crap out of the way early so they can focus on Eps 8 and 9 being genuinely groundbreaking and forward-pushing, like their predecessors were back in the day.
Or maybe Disney. Okay, never mind.
I guess there are still popular characters they could bring back a la Han, Chewie & The Droids. Or there could be characters to, y'know, "bring back" [wink wink] a la Rey, Finn and Poe, all of whom are, in various ways, do-overs of Luke, Han and Leia—done over quite well, and a more diverse bunch at that. (Props!)
Episodes 8 and 9 could feature Lando Calrissian's hipper, more mysteriously "whose side is she on?" daughter, played by, say, Rashida Jones. Or we could meet Boo-Boo "Baby Boba" Fett, who swore to kill Han Solo for feeding Boba to the Sarlacc, and ... wait, what? Okay, then I'll kill Han's kid. He what? Okay whatevs dude, I'm just here for the vengeance 'n' shit, and I'm taking it out on somebody, by god.
There could be a big dramatic scene with R2D2, C3PO and BB-8:
R2D2 [to BB-8]: Bleep blorp squank wop!
BB-8: Derp fweep whaaaaah?!?!
C3PO: R2, you are NOT his father! Stop it, that's not even funny.
R2D2: Squirk noop fleep dibble.
C3PO: Search your own circuits, you clanky nitwit, you know it to be FALSE!
BB-8: Wop de fook yoo too beepy?!
C3PO: Don't worry, BB-8, he's just working through his own abandonment issues.
R2D2: Hoop de weep! Hop de hooby doo bow!
C3PO: Oh, please. That's not even a real insult, you're just quoting "The Jungle Book." Good heavens, talk about derivative!
BB-8: Bibbity bobbity poo-poo!
R2D2: Fweeep nik nik nik! [electronic giggle] Expi-ali-pee-pee!!!
BB-8: Peeeeef hehehee! [electronic guffaw] Abra-ca-doo-doo!!!
C3PO: Stop it this instant, both of you! This scene was supposed to be crucial exposition!
R2D2: Dweeeeep nerp hoop derp!
C3PO: No, I will NOT pull your finger!
[R2D2 and BB-8 regress to inane electronic tittering and chipmunkery, followed by 3 Stooges-style eyeball-gouging of C3PO]
Meanwhile, "The Force Awakens" is fine, and fun. Nobody wanted George Lucas to write or direct it: Wish granted. Disney took over: Be careful what you wish for.
It's different enough, yet plenty familiar—the galactic locales, the ships, the weapons, and of course, the characters. You've still got your cute droids, your cocky he-men, your women taking no shit, and your moody orphans turned reluctant heroes.
Plus you've got your tantrum-throwing sith-to-be, all hormonally a-boil, groping with the Force like a randy schoolboy, not sure he really wants to rule the galaxy. (Honestly, he looks like a guy who'd rather be creating horcruxes.)
AND you've got your spectral, scary-voiced, über-evil overlord-trainer-mentor-babysitter, who'd probably just as soon flush that whiny-ass little peckerhead Ren out the thermal exhaust port and watch him shrivel into a deep-space dust bunny as wrench him from the touchy-feely clutches of the Jedi and rule the goddamn galaxy with him. Who's got time to deal with such an unstable crybaby? Sheesh, these siths today, huh?
Anyway. I liked it. I did! I wasn't looking for groundbreaking cinema, and I was not disappointed in that non-expectation. I was looking for fun, adventure, big explosions, and better one-liners.
Plus, y'know, stars. And wars.
"The Force Awakens" delivers on all that.
Best of all, if the "final three episodes" (tee hee. You're funny, Disney) are all going to be revisit-reboot-regurgitate in order, then maybe what we can look forward to come 2017 is ...
Star Wars, Episode 8: The First Order Strikes Back! Wait, Make That the Second First Order Strikes Back! Okay, Not Strikes BACK, Technically, Just Takes Up Where the First First Order Left Off. No, Not In Space Rubble ... Oh, Never Mind, But Hey, This Time We REALLY MEAN IT with the Starkiller Thing!
I'll be there!
(mild spoilers)
* Reboots! Reprises! Do-overs! Homage a trois!
* Drunk Nekkid Vegas Weekend Spawn of George Clooney and Erik Estrada!
* DNVWS of forgotten Backstreet Boy and Severus Snape!
* DNVWS of Yoda and Sy Snootles!
(^ Okay, I dunno about that one. Somewhere. Probably.)
* Andy Serkis in mega-budget deleted scenes from "The Wizard of Oz"!
* Winner of the "We Need a Young R2D2" casting call!
* Sly reference to trash compactors!
* More chuckly inside jokes!
* Renewed non-ironic misuse of "parsecs" to stoke astronomy grammar nerd outrage!
* More Joe Schmo-looking X-wing fighter pilots for the Resistance!
(^ Wouldn't have been suprised to see Randy Quaid.)
* Desert planet that isn't Tatooine!* Ice planet that isn't Hoth!
* Green planet that isn't Endor!
(^ Yay, no Ewoks!)
* Less interplanetary politics, more intrafamily shenanigans!
* Better script! Better back stories! Better dialog! Funnier one-liners!
(^ Low bar all around.)
* Rebranded Death Star!
(^ Bigger, better, more deathly, but just as cheaply McGyverable as ever.)
(^ And it charges up slower than my freakin' cell phone.)
* All the John Williams music you know and love, plus cool new stuff in 11/8!
* Guest conductor Gustavo Dudamel!
(^ Opening and end titles. True story.)
* Exclamation points!
* Dat scroll doe!
* Green planet that isn't Endor!
(^ Yay, no Ewoks!)
* Less interplanetary politics, more intrafamily shenanigans!
* Better script! Better back stories! Better dialog! Funnier one-liners!
(^ Low bar all around.)
* Rebranded Death Star!
(^ Bigger, better, more deathly, but just as cheaply McGyverable as ever.)
(^ And it charges up slower than my freakin' cell phone.)
* All the John Williams music you know and love, plus cool new stuff in 11/8!
* Guest conductor Gustavo Dudamel!
(^ Opening and end titles. True story.)
* Exclamation points!
* Dat scroll doe!
The main knock against "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" seems to be that it's essentially a reboot, mashing up all the familiar story elements, especially from Episode 4. But grumbling that Episode 7 is derivative is like being disappointed that every year has the same stupid 12 months as the last one. It's a sequel, for cryin' out loud. What, you were looking for "The Godfather Part II"?
I do confess my own lingering, judgy disappointment—still, after 38 years—that the title of Episode 4 is so dull: "A New Hope." Dull, dull, dull. George Lucas could have called it something like, I dunno, "The Force Awakens." Maybe that title was taken.
And actually "The Sith-Father Part II" might have been kinda cool and artsy, showing the rises of Anakin Skywalker and Kylo Ren in parallel. Preferably without a boy-band fifth banana playing Anakin and a Hogwarts dropout playing Ren.
Well, okay—Kylo Ren the character does show the promise of an arc far better drawn than that of Darthakin Skyvader, and Adam Driver the actor is already at least 12 parsecs ahead of Hayden Timberlake.
("12 parsecs." See what I did there?)
Anyway, Ep 7 pays reeeally generous homage (putting it mildly) to Ep 4, with occasional homage to 5 and 6, and appropriate snubbage of 1-3, which mostly kinda sucked. In fact, 7 seems so thorough in all its winks and nudges, what's left?
Maybe they were just getting all that crap out of the way early so they can focus on Eps 8 and 9 being genuinely groundbreaking and forward-pushing, like their predecessors were back in the day.
Or maybe Disney. Okay, never mind.
I guess there are still popular characters they could bring back a la Han, Chewie & The Droids. Or there could be characters to, y'know, "bring back" [wink wink] a la Rey, Finn and Poe, all of whom are, in various ways, do-overs of Luke, Han and Leia—done over quite well, and a more diverse bunch at that. (Props!)
Episodes 8 and 9 could feature Lando Calrissian's hipper, more mysteriously "whose side is she on?" daughter, played by, say, Rashida Jones. Or we could meet Boo-Boo "Baby Boba" Fett, who swore to kill Han Solo for feeding Boba to the Sarlacc, and ... wait, what? Okay, then I'll kill Han's kid. He what? Okay whatevs dude, I'm just here for the vengeance 'n' shit, and I'm taking it out on somebody, by god.
There could be a big dramatic scene with R2D2, C3PO and BB-8:
R2D2 [to BB-8]: Bleep blorp squank wop!
BB-8: Derp fweep whaaaaah?!?!
C3PO: R2, you are NOT his father! Stop it, that's not even funny.
R2D2: Squirk noop fleep dibble.
C3PO: Search your own circuits, you clanky nitwit, you know it to be FALSE!
BB-8: Wop de fook yoo too beepy?!
C3PO: Don't worry, BB-8, he's just working through his own abandonment issues.
R2D2: Hoop de weep! Hop de hooby doo bow!
C3PO: Oh, please. That's not even a real insult, you're just quoting "The Jungle Book." Good heavens, talk about derivative!
BB-8: Bibbity bobbity poo-poo!
R2D2: Fweeep nik nik nik! [electronic giggle] Expi-ali-pee-pee!!!
BB-8: Peeeeef hehehee! [electronic guffaw] Abra-ca-doo-doo!!!
C3PO: Stop it this instant, both of you! This scene was supposed to be crucial exposition!
R2D2: Dweeeeep nerp hoop derp!
C3PO: No, I will NOT pull your finger!
[R2D2 and BB-8 regress to inane electronic tittering and chipmunkery, followed by 3 Stooges-style eyeball-gouging of C3PO]
Meanwhile, "The Force Awakens" is fine, and fun. Nobody wanted George Lucas to write or direct it: Wish granted. Disney took over: Be careful what you wish for.
It's different enough, yet plenty familiar—the galactic locales, the ships, the weapons, and of course, the characters. You've still got your cute droids, your cocky he-men, your women taking no shit, and your moody orphans turned reluctant heroes.
Plus you've got your tantrum-throwing sith-to-be, all hormonally a-boil, groping with the Force like a randy schoolboy, not sure he really wants to rule the galaxy. (Honestly, he looks like a guy who'd rather be creating horcruxes.)
AND you've got your spectral, scary-voiced, über-evil overlord-trainer-mentor-babysitter, who'd probably just as soon flush that whiny-ass little peckerhead Ren out the thermal exhaust port and watch him shrivel into a deep-space dust bunny as wrench him from the touchy-feely clutches of the Jedi and rule the goddamn galaxy with him. Who's got time to deal with such an unstable crybaby? Sheesh, these siths today, huh?
Anyway. I liked it. I did! I wasn't looking for groundbreaking cinema, and I was not disappointed in that non-expectation. I was looking for fun, adventure, big explosions, and better one-liners.
Plus, y'know, stars. And wars.
"The Force Awakens" delivers on all that.
Best of all, if the "final three episodes" (tee hee. You're funny, Disney) are all going to be revisit-reboot-regurgitate in order, then maybe what we can look forward to come 2017 is ...
Star Wars, Episode 8: The First Order Strikes Back! Wait, Make That the Second First Order Strikes Back! Okay, Not Strikes BACK, Technically, Just Takes Up Where the First First Order Left Off. No, Not In Space Rubble ... Oh, Never Mind, But Hey, This Time We REALLY MEAN IT with the Starkiller Thing!
I'll be there!
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