One Fine Evening On Cable News

One Fine Evening On Cable News

    Anchor: Welcome back to Why Bother — the perfect place for pointless political persiflage. Let’s get to our panel of Pundits. What’s your take on today’s political headlines?

    Pundit #1: Same old same old. It’s just so, so divisive. Too much divisiveness.

    Pundit #2: You’re saying it wrong.

    #1: What?

    #2: It’s “di-VISS-ive,” not “di-VICE-ive”.

    #1: Um, I’m pretty sure it’s “di-VICE-ive.”

    #2: Wrong. It’s “di-VISS-ive”.

    #1: Wrong. “Di-VICE-ive!”

    #2: “Di-VISS-ive”!

    #1: Wait, why are you putting your periods and exclamation points outside your quote marks? That’s wrong! They go inside the quote marks!

    #2: Huh? Who cares?!

    #1: They go inside!

    #2: Whatever! I’m not even doing the closed-captioning stuff.

    #1: Well, they’re captioning me correctly.

    Anchor: Both of you, please! Politics, okay? Move on.

    #1: Wait, what are we arguing about again?

    #2: We were divided over pronouncing stuff but then you kirked out over punctuating ‘n’ shit.

    #1: There, see? You just said we’re divided. Di-VIED-ed. So it should be di-VICE-ive.

    Anchor: Obama uses both pronunciations. Sometimes he even says “di-VIZZ-ive,” with the Z sound. It is about division, after all — y’know, di-VIZH-on? So why not di-VIZZ-ive?

    #2: TOMATO POTATO

    #1: Ooh, caps lock with no punctuation, very mature.

    #2: I GOTCHER MATURE PUNCTUATION RIGHT HERE PAL

    Anchor: People, if we could just get back to politics—

    Pundit #3: Fact check: Periods and commas typically go inside the quote marks. But putting them outside is quite common, albeit non-standard.

    #1: “Albeit.” Nice word, Poindexter. <rolls eyeballs>

    #3: Other punctuations, such as question marks and exclamation points, go inside the quote marks only if they are actually part of the quoted material.

    #1: Jeez, Wikipedia Brown here! <makes JO motion with hand>

    #2: <moves lips mockingly>

    #3: What does that even mean, “makes JO motion,” “moves lips mockingly”?

    #2: IT MEANS MOVING MY LIPS TO MOCK YOU DORKWAD

    #1: <accelerates JO motion, makes O face>

    Anchor [to #1]: Dude, careful, are you sure you’re in the right Zoom meeting?

    #3: If you two idiots would use italics instead of quotation marks, you could skip at least that much of your inane banter.

    #1: Yeah, well, we’re talking on TV, so nobody sees our punctuation anyway, McDweeby. Thanks for the useless pro tip.

    #2: YEAH SUCK MY QUOTE MARKS FART BREATH

    #3: Yeah, well, this is a written transcript of the conversation; therefore, punctuation is included.

    #1: Wait, did you just use a SEMICOLON?! God, you are SUCH a goober!

    #2: YEAH SEMICOLON WOOOOO SMELL YOU

    #3: That was a perfectly correct application of an admittedly limited but often misused— wait, how in the pluperfect fuck did I get dragged into this moronic twaddle?

    Anchor: MOUTH!!! 

    #1: Who are you calling a twat, you didactic putz?!

    #2: YEAH IM NOT A MORAN YOUR A MORAN GET A BRAIN MORAN

    #1: Hey, have you noticed how the author of this stupid bit didn’t bother to give any of us real names? We’re just numbers!

    #2: WAIT WHY AM I NUMBER TWO THAT MEANS IM SHIT THATS JUST RONG

    #3: That’s so di-VISS-ive! I mean di-vice— So divisional! Diversionary! Derisive! This is an outrage! I AM OUTRAGED!!!

    Anchor [to camera]: We’ll be back with more politics right after these messages. [to Pundits] I’m gonna have all three of you neutered. 

Please credit appropriately and link to this URL when sharing. Thank you. 
© 2020 Robert S. Thurston

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