ItsOnlyBob

I took the last sip of my first cup of coffee yesterday morning and realized I'd had some company: a deer tick. Near it was another, smaller particle I can only hope was a coffee ground, but for all I know my little arachnid friend was so cranked he shat himself. Such is your thinking when you're freshly caffeinated and you realize Ixodes scapularis has been doing the backstroke in your dark roast. It reminded me of another coffee tale from several years ago. I was in the kitchen one morning, 6-ish, doing my usual routine: feeding our critters while waiting for the coffee to brew. After I'd start the coffee, I'd get some fish food out of the freezer—a small cube of brine shrimp from a plastic-and-foil package—and I would scoop out some aquarium water to thaw it in before dumping it in the fish tank. (I've long since decided it's easier and more fun just to let the fish attack the frozen cube.) In the meantime I'd feed the rest of our menage...

1. Must they leave the damn door open? I'm sure people stop in the hallway to gawk at the dork sprawled in the chair, wearing shades and a bib. 2. At least the shades are wraparounds, so I look cool. Don't I? 3. I don't care how cool her European accent is: If the dentist asks me, "Is it safe?" I'm hauling ass. 4. (Note to younger readers: "Marathon Man." Dustin Hoffman, Laurence Olivier. You'll never look at your dentist the same way again.) 5. There's nothing quite like the hungry squeal of tungsten carbide bearing down on the pulpy innards of a hollowed-out molar at 400,000 rpm. The bit looks like a medieval toothpick, modified for lethality. As it grinds out the remains of the old filling, the bur feels like something the size of a baseball, or possibly a cantaloupe. 6. Obviously foreign objects feel bigger when they're inside your mouth. 7. (That's what she said.) 8. (Not really.) 9. Are we there yet? 10. Appar...