Thoughts While Spending 90 Minutes with the Dentist, Having a Tooth Repaired

1. Must they leave the damn door open? I'm sure people stop in the hallway to gawk at the dork sprawled in the chair, wearing shades and a bib.

2. At least the shades are wraparounds, so I look cool. Don't I?

3. I don't care how cool her European accent is: If the dentist asks me, "Is it safe?" I'm hauling ass.

4. (Note to younger readers: "Marathon Man." Dustin Hoffman, Laurence Olivier. You'll never look at your dentist the same way again.)

5. There's nothing quite like the hungry squeal of tungsten carbide bearing down on the pulpy innards of a hollowed-out molar at 400,000 rpm. The bit looks like a medieval toothpick, modified for lethality. As it grinds out the remains of the old filling, the bur feels like something the size of a baseball, or possibly a cantaloupe.

6. Obviously foreign objects feel bigger when they're inside your mouth.

7. (That's what she said.)

8. (Not really.)

9. Are we there yet?

10. Apparently I am "a drooler," and my tongue is "a fighter." I cannot imagine any context in which these are welcome revelations.

11. Especially when she reveals them not to me, but to the third person in the room.

12. I *do* look cool in the shades, right?

13. I hate ads on YouTube.

14. (Well, the thought randomly crossed my mind as I tried to distract myself from all the grinding and so forth.)

15. "We'll need the rubber dam." She did say that. 

 16. Jesus, could I look ANY more ridiculous? I hope the gawkers in the hallway are getting their money's worth. Stick around, people, she'll have me in the Cone of Shame soon. 

17. Bucket List: Eat a pack of Oreos just before a dental cleaning.

18. ♫ Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall ♫ Ninety-nine bottles of beer ♫

19. Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a music project, I might decide to change course – y'know, like: "E-flat minor isn't working. I'll try A major." Dentists have similar moments, it seems. Let's just say I thought E-flat minor was working just fine this time, dammit.

20. "I give up. I can't fight your tongue anymore."

21. Yeah, she said that too.

22. It's amazing what kind of torture (and double entendres) you can get away with when you have a lovely European accent.

23. Good god, 90 minutes.

24. Ibuprofen or Jameson? Really – is that a serious question?

25. Dentists. Can't live with 'em, can't scream like a wounded rhinoceros.


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