Once Upon a Time in an Alternate Noleville

Remember 2009, Florida State fans? The college football world debated: Should Bobby Bowden stay for one more year, as his contract promised? Or should he get the hook after 32 consecutive winning seasons, two national championships and a grinding 10-year slide into the competitive netherworld? By Week 6, the Noles were 2-3 following a hard-fought loss to Miami, a humiliating upset at the hands of South Florida, and a road loss to Boston College. Georgia Tech, ranked #23, waited in the wings. Seminole Nation was surly. I tried to imagine what might happen should FSU President T.K. Wetherell decide to yank Bobby then and there in favor of the Heir Apparent.... 

Jimbo Fisher Fired at Halftime
in FSU Head Coaching Debut

By Bob Thurston
Easily Amused

TALLAHASSEE, Oct. 10, 2009—The Jimbo Fisher era of Florida State University football was brief.

Fisher—FSU's "head coach in waiting" for three seasons, who finally replaced Bobby Bowden this week after Bowden resigned under pressure—was fired at halftime of the game against ACC rival Georgia Tech because the Seminoles had not won yet, despite the fact that they were leading 31-0 with two quarters left to play.


"We appreciate Jimbo's service to the university, and we're sure he'll make a great head coach somewhere, but we needed a new direction," said Athletic Director Randy Spetman. "He knew the expectations: win, and win now. Our fans aren't just going to stand around through an entire game waiting for the resurrection of the Florida State football dynasty."

Chuck Amato, FSU’s Executive Chief Associate Head Coach (On Paper) and Staff Infighting Coordinator, was immediately named to replace Fisher, but his tenure was even shorter—Amato was pink-slipped when FSU failed to score on its first series of the third quarter.

"We appreciate Chuck's service to the university, but we needed a new direction," Spetman said. "It was time."

Mickey Andrews, FSU’s longtime Defensive Coordinator, Senior Assistant Executive Coach of Something or Other and Chief Head Coaching Snubbee, was named to replace Amato and then fired immediately, without having coached a single down. 

"We appreciate Mickey," Spetman said, fanning his ears and flicking fragments of sunflower seed shells from his face. "But we needed a new direction. Y'know? We just ... we did." 

The remainder of the coaching staff fled Doak Campbell Stadium before they could be offered the job.

After an extended timeout head-coach search yielded 34 rejections—including a Marching Chiefs clarinetist and a hot dog vendor in Section 28—Spetman turned in desperation to an anonymous blog commenter who goes by the name of Nolzrulz to finish coaching the game by texting plays to the head cheerleader, who relayed them to the team via megaphone.

"Nolzrulz seems to have a handle on the critical issues facing our program," Spetman said before the new coach dragged FSU (2-4, 0-3) to its third consecutive loss, as Tech (5-1, 3-1) roared back to pummel the Seminoles, 99-31.

Responding to fans' immediate calls for Nolzrulz's head, Spetman urged patience. "We've been through a rough patch this afternoon," he said. "Let's give the new guy a fair shot."

For his part, Nolzrulz was unapologetic.

"how much worst can it get?" Nolzrulz wrote in a comment on the nolesports.com game blog. "cant be worst then when i wuz here before, i mean never mind, i aint talking about bowdons no more, canes suck, u cant spell suck without um woooooooooooo!!!!!!!"

Spetman vowed to give Nolzrulz the benefit of the doubt and let him coach at least through the Oct. 17 game vs. Open Date, in which the Seminoles are an early 14-point underdog.

"We'll give him a week, and take it from there," Spetman said. "Maybe two. I dunno, four. Seven, tops."

Nolzrulz affirmed Spetman's vote of confidence: "ima run this program like it shud be run, mickey looks like you got stood up again dude haha, dimbo and chunkamoto you can kiss my $537k ass and same to all u haters, look out gaters, hey i made a rhyme hahaha"



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